I started this Tumblr to write more, and to talk about things I wanted to do when I got older. I picked a list of thirteen things that I wanted to accomplish, some honest, some kind of goofy. Three years later, I have completed none of them. My interest in doing so varies widely by item, between “a lot” and “zero.” So by other barometers I got older, but perhaps by this one, I didn’t.

I’ve decided to retire thingsimgoingtodowhenigetolder. As a username, it’s long, hard to share, and doesn’t fit neatly into my Twitter profile. As a reflection of who I am right now, it’s not a good one. Whatever I seek to do “when I get older” should be more aspirational, not a mere to-do list. If I was repicking that list right now, the one item I’d want on it is to be happy. Whatever the means to achieving that is, I’m trying to figure out.

I wrote recently about a depression that’s been creeping in over the past couple years, mixed with a good amount of anxiety. I want to assure you of two things: first, retiring this Tumblr doesn’t have much to do with that; second, I’m doing OK. Not super, not everything’s better, but OK. Some of the challenges I’m facing were a long time in the making. It will take time to overcome them. I’m talking with a therapist every couple weeks now. She’s explained some things about how our brains work that clarified things I’ve been struggling with, identified some feelings and thoughts I was having that I didn’t realize I was having, and is helping me break down how I should address all that into some easy, manageable steps. I made a few personal changes that are helping, and I still have others I need to make. I have good days and bad days, but on the whole my outlook has been more positive the last few weeks, and I think I’m making progress. My therapist noted I’m not a weepy, defeated mess anymore when I come in, so that’s a pretty good affirmation. It went okay telling my mom I was in therapy. She’s been really supportive. I don’t want to share that experience here, but I’ve been writing about all this in a journal, which is a sort of Tumblr that only I can see (mine’s even password protected).

So that’s all for now. Thanks to the couple of you who’ve followed me since Mousetrap; I think I’ve met or know you all in real life now, which is super cool.

Thanks to all who follow me because of Briana. I’m lucky she’s mine.

I <3 Tumblr and will be back. Let you know where.

Off to challenge myself. Thanks—